1/19

two days ago, my grandfather passed away. i wasn't very close to him, given the fact that he is on the other side of the world and we have a pretty big language barrier. he was very sick and possibly had cancer. it sounded like he was in a lot of pain, according to my mother. my father will be leaving tommorow to see him. i don't feel sad, but i'm not fine either. actually i am sad, i wish i talked to him a little more.

yesterday, i talked with my elder cousin. he has two conures, one named stewie. he didn't say the other ones name. he has a very good relationship with them, and gave me and my brother some tips to get close to ours. he's very nice & mature, we're very much alike.

last week was awful. hope this week will be better.

1/18

1/17 - blank

12:27 - worked on corrections this morning. pissed off. i should know all this. fucking idiot.

apologized to one of my group members if i had seemed angry, she just said "it's okay." i don't know what that means.

1/16 - rage

11:54 - feeling nothing but rage recently. i spend half an hour writing a script and these assholes discarded it & "um"-d & "like"-d through the entire presentation, sounding just so bored. is it that hard to sound a little happier? is it really that hard? i feel like i'm the only one that fucking cares. i write the scripts, i make the presentations, i fill out the assignment, & all i want in return is just a little, TINY amount of passion. i wanted to be in this class to succeed, but with these people i can't imagine us making it to the final pitch, let alone fucking winning. it's not all their fault though, it's just so frustrating. as long as i still have the passion, this project won't die. i just need to make it to may & be done with everything.

1/15

1/14

10:08 - so fucking pissed. unbelievably angry. wrathful. nothing but fury in my heart.i knew EVERYTHING on that test, STILL FAILED. WHAT THE FUCK??????? AND that bitch got a higher score than me, what a perfect little fucking asshole. i didn't get the lowest score in the class, so i have that. but what different does that make, i'm still shit. its like the quote "why does that matter? i am still ugly and he is still god."

12:29 - still mad. but not enraged.

1/13 - i am going to shoot myself

09:48 - i hate calculus i hope whoever invented it is rotting in the fiery pits of hell

11:02 - why the fuck is my english teacher making us do yoga

1/12

1/11 - forgot

forgot to post yesterdays entry. whoops.

i went with my friend to subway, i hadn't seen her in a while.

so happy she didn't change at all, i missed her so much.

we just talked for such a long time in there, mostly because i'm a painfully slow eater. but i had such a good time with her. shes so fun to be around, i forget all my problems with her.

i took a prelim. test for sat tutoring, i'm so mad that i even have to take it, i should know this stuff already. it's incredibly humiliating. but i'm just going to have to face it.

they didn't tell me my score afterwards, or what i got right or wrong. i wish they did.

on spring break, i AM getting my license. everyone i have talked to said it was easy, besides the parallel parking part. i thought they would put me on the highway or something, but that's not the case it seems.

1/10 - nbt

01:18 - cannot sleep.

yesterday was SO COLD. not only was it cold, it was raining & there was strong winds. i genuinely could not think i was so cold. i can't bring very thick jackets because we are not given lockers, and i'm not carrying that all day with me.

1/9 - light mode

12:28 - switching to light mode for everything. really partial to white lately.

17:36 - today was very boring. on friday, i am going out with my friend and having subway. on saturday, my mom is celebrating lohri i will be getting an sat tutor. for that i need to take another practice test. ugh.

1/8 - not sure

13:37 - don't know if people find me obnoxious. i wish i could know what everyone thinks of me at all times.

brought my water bottle today. makeup & yoga again. i did some of my math homework last night, but tonight it will be done. i also have an annotated bibliography to finish by friday. me writing this is me procrastinating.

been sitting in silence a lot. not feeling the need to listen to music, even when it's loud.

cold again, ~30F. but i layered. albeit poorly, but an attempt was made.

1/7 - school

12:05 - 1st and 2nd period done. did my makeup and a little yoga in the morning. forgot my water, super thirsty. very cold today as well, 26F. math was okay, nothing too crazy. got a new book, REMOTE CONTROL. everything is fine right now.

17:39 - today was alright. i got a cappuccino on the way home. only drank coffee today, need to drink more water. removed my makeup when i got home, as opposed to sleeping in it. neck and back hurt a lot. not super tired, don't know if it's because of my mood or because of the coffee. gonna watch some more and then read.

1/6 - 19:28

yoga again today. body hurt a little less. tommorow, i'm going to try a shorter routine. forgot to take medication.

finished kengan ashura. hated the ending. but i'll read the sequel manga, i like the art style.

watching a new show, The Glory. liking it a lot so far. hope it doesn't have a stupid ending like kengan.

school starts tommorow and the cycle will repeat again, unfortunately.

1/5 - your did it

made it through the entire yoga routine. my legs hurt but it gave the energy i needed. pathetic that it took this long, but at least i did. i keep whining about stuff, this year i'll change.

1/4 - 20:48

i lied. i did do something yesterday, i did yoga. i could barely do it though. i'm so weak, both mentally and physically. oh well.

i'm very nervous for school, but i can't do anything about it. i know that whenever i study i'm going to get things wrong and i convince myself that there's no point. its just an endless cycle of thinking about failing, then failing, then regret.

1/3 - nothing

woke up late again. nothing happened today. just very angry.

1/2 - day out

today i woke up late. i've been watching kengan asura. i didn't think i'd like it so much. my life is pretty boring, so it's nice to see some action once in a while.

i went out with my friend to a mall. we had a really good time. she's so funny and amazing. i told her that when me and her sat down in food court. she looked embarrassed. she is such a genuine person, i want to be lke her.

i bought a polo shirt, graphic tee, & a bra from aeropostale. i also got a mini perfume bottle to put my favourite victorias secret perfume in.

we only walked for 2 hr's, but my legs hurt. tommorow, i'll do some yoga. i'll also start reviewing math. i've forgotten everything pretty much.

i'm going to try and sleep on time today.

1/1 - resolutions

hello. happy january.

last year was horrible (but fun), and this one will probably be too. but what is there to do? can't control everything. that's what i've learned from 2024.

my resolutions for this are divided into two categories. initial and impetus.

initial goals are self explanatory. they are simple goals that i can achieve. one problem i have is that i jump to the end too quickly, end up failed & give up. with these initial goals. i project myself to complete these goals in a few months, but not more than 5. i will hold myself accountable for this.

impetus means "encouragement resulting in increased activity" (Merriam-Webster, 2024). therefore, these goals are meant for the middle of the year, after i've built up momentum from the initial ones. these are going to be harder goals, so i expect to complete them by next year.

i also have hopes. they are self-explanatory. last year, i didn't actually have any hopes. let's see if this changes anything.

i've put them in their own page. here they are.

there is but one more year till graduation. it's now or never.