existential crisis

yesterday i took the act & it was much harder than i was expecting it to be. i was so focused on the science that i completely forgot about the math.

i also looked at my parents after i came back & realised that they were real, & i was real. my lungs are the same as theirs. i felt so terrified for some reason.

i feel so different. i don't feel like myself, but two separate halves trying to control the body at the same time (how original). even the way my voice sounds is different, i look different in the mirror, i even sleep differently (differently in this case meaning not at all). i've been having nausea since last week, i only eat 1/2 meal a day. i don't know why. i'm hyper aware of my stomach & i'm constantly picturing it in gross detail throughout the day.

my grades are all shit, i'm not going to get accepted into any good college with these. & this summer i'm supposed to start applying with a shitty ass gpa & shitty standardised test scores. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

no sleep

last night, i stayed up. strangely, i didn't feel tired at all. this is really unusual for me, since i always have low energy. i didn't feel tired in the day too. maybe it's the meds, i've been taking them again now, almost after two years.

starting a new show, weak hero.