10/05/25

22:58

struggling with procrastination, again, but i managed to finish all my math homework tonight, it wasn't too difficult, just long.

i got to see my friends again today. we had lunch at a favorite restaurant of mine. they seemed to liked it. we went to ikea afterwards and we all picked up candles. i don't usually light candles since i'm afraid of accidentally burning down my place, but the candle i got smells really good: lovskogslund, it is called. it smells like green apples. i wonder if there is a perfume similar to it...

when me and my friends were in ikea, the two of them were discussing life after high school and in college. i find subjects like that difficult to talk about. i've always had a mindset of "im not living past X age," so thinking about the future is very foreign to me. they expressed a lot of anxiety, but excitement for the future. one of them is like me and wants to study out of state. me and her share a lot of the same feelings about it, specifically how nerve-racking it will be to be so far away from family. she's applying throughout the states. i'm staying more to the east. i'd like to go to new jersey or new york to study. i really doubt anything will come of it though, it will be expensive, and priority will be given to state residents first. realistically, i will probably live here for the rest of my life, however long it may be.

even though i hate thinking about the future, i still feel some sort of pleasure doing it. it will be a next chapter: a chapter of true independence. i can feel myself getting giddy about it, imagining my own place, my own money, my own routine. my life will be structured around me, rather than factors outside of my control. i hope, at least. i will probably look back on these entries and laugh at how naive i was, as i do with most of mine.

i wonder how my friends have turned out the way they have, we've all had similar upbringings, though mine was more privileged. how come my mindset is so much more negative than theirs? i think depression might actually run in my family, since all my cousins have tried to kill themselves at one point on my fathers side, but they've managed to get up. why am i still on my knees? am i trying? do i convince myself i'm on my feet, even though i haven't moved an inch? how pathetic.

i just redesigned my site, but now i want to start using 11ty. i'll play around with it tommorow.

10/02/25

15:00

today is my mom's birthday! i am going to pick up flowers for her after school in half an hour.

for the past few weeks i've been working on a project for my computer science class. we are supposed to work in groups. today we were supposed to present it, but thankfully, my teacher gave us until next class. now i have an extra three days to work on it. there are still a lot of things i wanted to add to program, like being able to jump; right now, you use a ladder to get up to places.

i was working on math homework before this and my hands hurt, i have a bad habit of writing down really hard.

10/01/25

12:34

for the past few days i've just been sitting on this site, procrastinating on writing it. i stare blankly at the page and i can feel the urge to write, but my body doesn't understand and doesn't follow through.

i think the reason why i don't update often is because i feel the need to write long winded entries like the first one i made.

i don't know where this came from, last year and the year before that i was very content with writing short entries frequently, something must have changed between then.

i think it's more to do with the fact that i don't know how to express my thoughts completely yet, as if i'm some sort of child. thinking about what i want to write it much easier than actually sitting down to write it. i've "written" many of these entries within the confines of my head, but i've never brought to typing, let alone writing.

maybe it's laziness. yes, i have gotten a lot lazier as the years have gone one. freshman year i woke up at 4 am everyday diligently and now i can barely wake up at 7. maybe it's because i was lonely. i have many friends now, so i'm not sitting with myself and my thoughts often. in fact, i'm sitting with other peoples thoughts. i barely think about myself and what i'm feeling recently, i've been thinking about my friends more. before seeing them, seeing them, and after seeing them, they are on my mind.

i was going to take the sat this week, but i canceled. it is what it is i guess.

i've been studying fish more. ichthyology is what it is called, the study of fishes. i would like to pursue that, but i haven't taken any biology courses and i wouldn't make any money off of it. i'd also just be writing papers all day, which sounds miserable.

everyday i become more aware of my own mortality. especially when i'm reading about fish. i went down a rabbit hole of extinct fish. as i was reading it, i realized that these fishes are–literally–never coming back. that to me is so mortifying. in this universe, the one i'm alive in, they are gone. completely. it's hard to put into words the dread i feel.

oh, maybe it's because my journal's are public. when i write publicly like this, i feel like i'm presenting a show. i'm turning my feelings into entertainment. bold of me to assume that anyone actually cares about what's going on in my life, though. i like reading other peoples journals,so there must be someone else that cares about what i have to write by chance. there's a lot of people on the internet, someone is bound to stumble upon my site and be at least slightly interested in what i have to say.

09/25/25

13:10

yesterday i was right about being exhausted. as soon as i gad gotten home, i practically passed out after eating pasta. i blinked and it was 1:30.

i got to talk with my friends yesterday. i am going to see them over the weekend too.

09/24/25

03:23

i've been frustrated with my site for the past few months now. that's why i didn't update for a while, i hated navigating it. i wanted to impress myself and add a bunch of features, but it backfired and made it over complicated. i've now refined my site into a much simpler layout, with everything on one page. this will be much better. i'm happier with this new look.i had to re-evaluate why i made this site. i wanted to make a public journal, so the new layout had to be focused on that.

not much has been going on in my life. that's a lie, a lot has happened. but i'm far too tired to go into it right now. it feels like everything and nothing has changed. my surrounding world and connections have changed, but my internal conflicts and emotional state hasn't. i still have the same internal monologue from 7 years ago, but i'm in a different place. its really depressing. i've experienced so much and yet i'm still the same.

i feel like i've wasted the past 4 years. my ranking is too low to get accepted in a good college, even though my grades are good. i worked hard for nothing. just because i didn't take ap's i get screwed over and put with b-c students even though i'm an a-b student. its not over though, i can go to community college, but i feel as if i will be ridiculed. i talked with my parents about it, and they said if i don't get into to any i can go. but i still feel disappointed. all my friends will go to college immediately, whilst i will be behind living with my parents at home still. there are apparently a lot of benefits to CC before a 4 year. firstly, it saves a lot of money. secondly, if you end up hating your major, you can switch without wasting a lot of money. third, when transferring, your high school career is practically voided. universities will only be looking at your 2 years at college (there are some exceptions to this, apparently). but even with these benefits, there is still the stigma. the stigma that i wasn't smart enough--wasn't good enough. i'm still going to apply 4 years, just to see. but i will ask my friends if they think i should still do it. they are smart; smarter than me, so i trust them.

due to this disappointing revelation, i don't have a "dream university." i hear all my peers going, "oh i hope i go here" and "i'm totally going to get accepted here" and it is upsetting. though i cannot blame them, even though my weighted gpa is bad, my unweighted is okay. my sat and act scores are okay too. i have 4's in the ap's that i took. i also have the cc route, if i can deal with the shame. that's my problem. i am not extraordinary, i am ordinary. i am average. average for everything for as long as i have been in school. meets, meets, meets, a-/a, 50th percentile. never extends, a+, or 90th percentile. no one wants average, they want above average.

i'm procrastinating on my research assignment by writing this. 10 annotated bibliographies. it is due in less than 5 hours. i am going to be tired all day today. i don't know why i do this to myself.