diary

10/24/25

13:33

it always ends up surprising me how much most of my peers look like adults. i remember most of them when they were freshman, and it's really shocking to witness. i sometimes see my old friends' profiles on instagram from elementary/middle school and see how much they have grown. they look older, but i can still pick out their features i remember from when they were young. i once looked at an old class photo of mine and i realized that you don't really lose any child like features. you and the young version have the same eyes, nose, cheeks, and chin (granted you haven't gotten surgery). even they way they talk, there's less slang and more "adult" topics like jobs and relationships. i feel like i still look and talk the same--i feel stunted. my parents always joke about how i look twelve, and i go along with it, but it also makes me a little sad. i look like a clown in makeup and nice clothes, but i look like a little boy without it. "where's the balance!!!!" i cry out into the sky.

10/23/25

13:50

i ended up not doing much yesterday. i got food, but then i went home. i still managed to finish some of my assignments, but it would have been better to have not done them at all. sigh...

10/22/25

12:11

my crochet thread came yesterday. i'm going to try and see if i can make a doily on the weekend. i'm going to go to the library after school today, get food, and work on homework.

10/21/25

13:31

it has been an exhausting half a day. the long break definitely took a toll on my rhythm. i left this morning in a hurry. i know i have to start waking up earlier, but its difficult. waking up is the easy part--i do it all the time--but actually leaving my bed is hard.

15:25

when i first started crocheting, i didn't have any wrist pain. now that i'm doing it so often, i find my wrists hurting a lot more. i'm a tight crocheter, maybe thats why. i should loosen up.

10/20/25

11:43

i pretty much procrastinated this entire weekend. i managed to finish some crochet projects of mine, but not all of them. i didn't go to downtown to my disappointment. i got accepted into one college, though it is not impressive. i was automatically admitted anyways, and it is an okay college at best.

last saturday, my friend came over again. we tried baking a microwave chocolate cake but it ended up really dry. it was an egg-less recipe since i'm allergic to eggs. she said that the flour was the problem, but my mom said that we should have added yogurt. maybe next time i'll try. we then went to a nearby thrift store i hadn't gone to before. she bought a lamb and penguin plush as well as a necklace. i got a weird creature plush and a shirt. afterwards, we went to a car parts store since we both needed washer fluid. she invited me to dinner for sunday with some of her friends. at first i was going to say no, but then i realized that i should probably be expanding my social circle. i doubt i will make friends in college, so i better stock up now.

we had dinner at a fairly new restaurant not 10 minutes away from my house. i ordered chicken wings and they were good. next, we went to a tea shop and i tried matcha for the first time. it was a mango-matcha mix. i did not taste any mango, the match flavor was powerful. it was okay. i don't hate it, but i'm not going to go out of my way to drink it by myself any time soon. when the cashier asked me what type of milk i wanted in my drink, i froze for a minute and said "cow." the cashier burst into laughter and said that that was a cute answer. apparently i was supposed to say "whole milk."

i was an outsider this time around, i didn't know these people. i knew my friend, and then i vaguely knew two other girls. i got to know them some more though, since they were all busy chatting about. they were mostly talking about relationships. i definitely felt like the odd one out, since everybody seemed to have experience with a guy. i've never been in a proper relationship. and i'm also gay, so i stayed quiet for the most part. hearing this conversation made me realize how behind i was compared to everyone else. they new a lot of things, and i just stared at them with a blank look. even so, i still had an overall good time. it was nice talking to new people, they were really sweet and pretty and nice. i also took it as an excuse to wear my new lip tint i bought. the packaging looked brown, but the color on me looked more maroon-ish. nonetheless, it was a very pretty color. i hope we get to hangout again soon.

i used to dream about doing stuff like that when i was a freshman.

10/15/25

10:47

all my college applications are done. i have submitted my scores. now all i do is wait. i have a 5 day weekend coming up. i'm going to see if i can go to downtown with my family or as a solo date. i get to ride the metro for free since i am still a student.

currently, i'm reading frankenstein for school. it is okay so far, but i find the protagonist insufferable. i do love how it is written though, shelley's style of writing is satisfying to read. i want to emulate it myself, but i don't think i can, or know how to.

i've also received the application portals for two of the schools i've applied to. for one, i get the admission result in january. this is really surprising to me since i applied early action, i thought i would get it by december at least! it is not a very large school to, but what can i do. i'm not an admissions reviewer.

for the weekend, i want to make an amigurumi project. a few days ago i bought more yarn, i got a light blue and green, yellow, and grey. i already have safety eyes and noses and stuffing, all i need is a project. i actually did make a small rabbit some weeks ago, but it turned out terrible. it might have been due to the yarn weight being larger than the patter suggested, or it could be that i'm just bad at crocheting. nonetheless, i found another pattern for a rabbit, this time it is larger. but by being larger, it is also more complicated, it involved sewing. i don't know how to sew parts on yet, but i think i can figure it out. just this morning i learned how to surface crochet, and it was shockingly easy!

15:02

my friend joined me for lunch. she has an off period, so she usually leaves, but today she decided to see me! i really like spending time with her. when i told her i was looking at going to downtown on the weekend, she looked interested and said that she would be willing to come. i might take her up on that offer. i don't know exactly what to do in downtown, i'm really just wanting to explore around. it might be the last time i can visit, depending on if i get accepted in any out of state colleges. i've just gotten two more portals since writing in the morning, they are coming in slowly, but surely. i thought it would be faster and automated, but maybe it is done manually and therefore slower. i still have some math work to do, as well as research annotations i've been procrastinating on for...a while.

i'm going to make lily of the valley coasters for each of my friends

10/13/25

10:35

i am incredibly stressed.

14:04

i am looking at more crochet projects.

10/10/25

09:41

today, i will be leaving early from school to go an a road trip with my family. my aunt and uncle have come from canada and will stay with us for a week. i am not excited, my parents told me this yesterday afterschool.

10/06/25

15:00

i will have to write this quickly, my laptop is at 3%.

today i had my computer science project presentation today. i gave up on trying to make the jump work. turns out it was 10x simpler than it initially seemed. almost everyone got it to work correctly but me. anyways, the presentation went fine. my code has a errors where the main character spawn right where the enemy does, resulting in having to keep replaying for a good spawn point. luckily, that didn't happen during the demonstration. my teacher actually gave up a bit of praise. in the code, you can spawn a ladder by left clicking on where you want it. apparently she hadn't seen this before and was surprised by it, calling it "unique." i don't know if that's a good thing or not.

i didn't get much sleep last night. i was really nervous about the presentation today. i woke up at 05:41 feeling like i needed to throw up.

last night i watched the first episode of season three of smiling friends. i really liked it. it's obvious that they got a lot more money. it was a bit jarring, since i'm used to how "cheap" it looked. it had a charming feel to it, but nonetheless i am glad that smiling friends was able to improve their quality. the writing still felt the same, thankfully. when shows get more money, i feel as if they tend to lose themselves in it.

10/05/25

22:58

struggling with procrastination, again. even so i managed to finish all my math homework, it wasn't too difficult, just long.

i got to see my friends again today. we had lunch at a favorite restaurant of mine. they seemed to liked it. we went to ikea afterwards and we all picked up candles. i don't usually light candles since i'm afraid of accidentally burning down my place, but the candle i got smells really good: lovskogslund, it's called. it smells like green apples. i wonder if there is a perfume similar to it...

when me and my friends were in ikea, the two of them were discussing life after high school and in college. i find subjects like that difficult to talk about. i've always had a mindset of "im not living past X age," so thinking about the future is very foreign to me. they expressed a lot of anxiety, but excitement for the future. one of them is like me and wants to study out of state. me and her share a lot of the same feelings about it, specifically how nerve-racking it will be to be so far away from family. she's applying throughout the states. i'm staying more to the east. i'd like to go to new jersey or new york to study. i really doubt anything will come of it though, it will be expensive, and priority will be given to state residents first. realistically, i will probably live here for the rest of my life, however long it may be.

even though i hate thinking about the future, i still feel some sort of pleasure doing it. it will be a next chapter: a chapter of true independence. i can feel myself getting giddy about it, imagining my own place, my own money, my own routine. my life will be structured around me, rather than factors outside of my control. i hope, at least. i will probably look back on these entries and laugh at how naive i was, as i do with most of mine.

i wonder how my friends have turned out the way they have, we've all had similar upbringings, though mine was more privileged. how come my mindset is so much more negative than theirs? i think depression might actually run in my family, since all my cousins have tried to kill themselves at one point on my fathers side, but they've managed to get up. why am i still on my knees? am i trying? do i convince myself i'm on my feet, even though i haven't moved an inch? how pathetic.

i just redesigned my site, but now i want to start using 11ty. i'll play around with it tomorrow.

10/02/25

15:00

today is my mom's birthday! i am going to pick up flowers for her after school in half an hour.

for the past few weeks i've been working on a project for my computer science class. we are supposed to work in groups. today we were supposed to present it, but thankfully, my teacher gave us until next class. now i have an extra three days to work on it. there are still a lot of things i wanted to add to program, like being able to jump; right now, you use a ladder to get up to places.

i was working on math homework before this and my hands hurt, i have a bad habit of writing down really hard.

10/01/25

12:34

for the past few days i've just been sitting on this site, procrastinating on writing it. i stare blankly at the page and i can feel the urge to write, but my body doesn't understand and doesn't follow through.

i think the reason why i don't update often is because i feel the need to write long winded entries like the first one i made. i don't know where this came from, last year and the year before that i was very content with writing short entries frequently, something must have changed between then.

i think it's more to do with the fact that i don't know how to express my thoughts completely yet, as if i'm some sort of child. thinking about what i want to write it much easier than actually sitting down to write it. i've "written" many of these entries within the confines of my head, but i've never brought to typing, let alone writing.

maybe it's laziness. yes, i have gotten a lot lazier as the years have gone one. freshman year i woke up at 4 am everyday diligently and now i can barely wake up at 7. maybe it's because i was lonely. i have many friends now, so i'm not sitting with myself and my thoughts often. in fact, i'm sitting with other peoples thoughts. i barely think about myself and what i'm feeling recently, i've been thinking about my friends more. before seeing them, seeing them, and after seeing them, they are on my mind.

i was going to take the sat this week, but i canceled. it is what it is i guess.

i've been studying fish more. ichthyology is what it is called, the study of fishes. i would like to pursue that, but i haven't taken any biology courses and i wouldn't make any money off of it. i'd also just be writing papers all day, which sounds miserable.

everyday i become more aware of my own mortality. especially when i'm reading about fish. i went down a rabbit hole of extinct fish. as i was reading it, i realized that these fishes are–literally–never coming back. that to me is so mortifying. in this universe, the one i'm alive in, they are gone. completely. it's hard to put into words the dread i feel.

oh, maybe it's because my journal's are public. when i write publicly like this, i feel like i'm presenting a show. i'm turning my feelings into entertainment. bold of me to assume that anyone actually cares about what's going on in my life, though. i like reading other peoples journals,so there must be someone else that cares about what i have to write by chance. there's a lot of people on the internet, someone is bound to stumble upon my site and be at least slightly interested in what i have to say.

09/25/25

13:10

yesterday i was right about being exhausted. as soon as i gad gotten home, i practically passed out after eating pasta. i blinked and it was 1:30.

i got to talk with my friends yesterday. i am going to see them over the weekend too.

09/24/25

03:23

i've been frustrated with my site for the past few months now. that's why i didn't update for a while, i hated navigating it. i wanted to impress myself and add a bunch of features, but it backfired and made it over complicated. i've now refined my site into a much simpler layout, with everything on one page. this will be much better. i'm happier with this new look.i had to re-evaluate why i made this site. i wanted to make a public journal, so the new layout had to be focused on that. not much has been going on in my life. that's a lie, a lot has happened. but i'm far too tired to go into it right now. it feels like everything and nothing has changed. my surrounding world and connections have changed, but my internal conflicts and emotional state hasn't. i still have the same internal monologue from 7 years ago, but i'm in a different place. its really depressing. i've experienced so much and yet i'm still the same.

i feel like i've wasted the past 4 years. my ranking is too low to get accepted in a good college, even though my grades are good. i worked hard for nothing. just because i didn't take ap's i get screwed over and put with b-c students even though i'm an a-b student. its not over though, i can go to community college, but i feel as if i will be ridiculed. i talked with my parents about it, and they said if i don't get into to any i can go. but i still feel disappointed. all my friends will go to college immediately, whilst i will be behind living with my parents at home still. there are apparently a lot of benefits to CC before a 4 year. firstly, it saves a lot of money. secondly, if you end up hating your major, you can switch without wasting a lot of money. third, when transferring, your high school career is practically voided. universities will only be looking at your 2 years at college (there are some exceptions to this, apparently). but even with these benefits, there is still the stigma. the stigma that i wasn't smart enough--wasn't good enough. i'm still going to apply 4 years, just to see. but i will ask my friends if they think i should still do it. they are smart; smarter than me, so i trust them.

due to this disappointing revelation, i don't have a "dream university." i hear all my peers going, "oh i hope i go here" and "i'm totally going to get accepted here" and it is upsetting. though i cannot blame them, even though my weighted gpa is bad, my unweighted is okay. my sat and act scores are okay too. i have 4's in the ap's that i took. i also have the cc route, if i can deal with the shame. that's my problem. i am not extraordinary, i am ordinary. i am average. average for everything for as long as i have been in school. meets, meets, meets, a-/a, 50th percentile. never extends, a+, or 90th percentile. no one wants average, they want above average. i'm procrastinating on my research assignment by writing this. 10 annotated bibliographies. it is due in less than 5 hours. i am going to be tired all day today. i don't know why i do this to myself.