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04/06/26

22:48

sorry for not updating. i had a really long blog post that i've been procrastinating on. there's so much to write...i'll finish it eventually. okay now time to get depressing

i've settled on a college. its the one i really wanted to go to. but i don't feel that happy about it anymore. the thrill of getting in has worn off, and now i'm thinking about the rest of my life there. mainly that i'll be completely alone again. this would have been no problem had i not made any friends, but now i'm too used to it. i'm too used to being surrounded my company, and actually having someone to talk to. someone to laugh with and dump all the thoughts on to. this diary is great, but it can't laugh back. or talk back. or sympathize with me. the thought of being all alone again terrifies me. i won't even have my parents with me. i'll be 4 hours away from them and in a town i've never been in. i'm scared i'll become distant with H. shes going to one of the top schools here, with her boyfriend. she has everything. i'm so fucking jealous. but i'm still happy for her. i should be, at the very least. oh well, it's not like hating her will make anything different. the other girl, A (the one who thinks i'm two faced and now sits at the same table as me) started humble bragging about all the scholarships she got to out of state colleges. i wouldn't be surprised if she's doing it on purpose to torment me. i bet she thinks i'm stupid. i think they all do. they look at me and see nothing but a loser moron with ambitions far beyond her abilities. they'd be right too. i don't know why i surround myself with people better than me. or rather, why they bother with me. i feel it's obvious that i'm not chalked up to all i can be. whatever, i'm spiraling. i'll probably have to go back on zoloft as soon as i get to college. i hate it, but it helps, sometimes. it's better than being in this cycle of self-loathing and hating everyone around me. me and H, we were supposed to go to the same college together. we would have been roommates. that was the only thing keeping me considering that college. but now it's gone. sometimes i wish she didn't get accepted. am i evil for that? probably. it is selfish, to want her all to myself. i would hate if someone did that to me, or wished such things to me. i think, when i move in, i will delete all my socials. go back to sophomore and junior year. it would be peaceful, yes. i don't know how i would explain it to H, she might try to convince me to download everything again. it's how she convinced me to get tik tok, even though i didn't have it for the past 5 years at the time. i didn't even fight her on it. just lied my head down and did as i was told.

on the bright side, this college has the major i wanted: ocean engineering. it is also located near an island, so it could be easy for me to find job opportunities there. the other one only had mechanical engineering and was land locked. it's kind of difficult to be an ocean engineer when you're not near any oceans. my parents actually didn't want me to go to this college, and i had an argument with my mom about it. they made me think that i didn't know what i was talking about, as if i was just pulling shit out of ass, and i believed them. i went to my counselor and asked for help deciding between colleges and i started raving about how much i didn't want to go the one they told me to go to. my counselor sensed this and asked me if she could talk to them about it, it seemed to have done the trick, since when i got home earlier that day my mom looked at me and said, "you really want to go to ---, huh?" they're still a little apprehensive, but i they know that they can't change my mind now. i've already signed up for my non-refundable new student conference!