diary archive

december

12/24/25

16:35

im so tired. had to remove my wisdom teeth this morning, so i didn't eat or drink anything at all. it was a terrifying experience. i loathe the idea of being knocked unconscious with no way to defend myself with strange people doing god knows what to me. i've heard many, many horrifying stories of people dying or getting assaulted under anesthesia. i didn't know who the doctor was, which didn't help me at all. and then my mom started to talk about me dying while i was getting set up?????? yes thank you that really helps. they had to give me an iv and i hate getting injections because i'm too skinny so it always hurts. they kept telling me to calm down but telling me calm down doesn't work because then i rationalize it as that there is something to freak out about. they said i wouldn't feel it but SURPRISE SURPRISE. the last thing i heard was "you might be starting to feel a little sleepy" and the last thing i thought was "i'm not tired at all" and BOOM. GONE. i didn't even get a count down.

when i woke up i think i was crying because my parents were beside me and my mom was patting a tissue on my eye. i also kept making noise and i could barely move my eyes and see. i also tried drinking water but my whole bottom jaw is numb so it didn't work. my mom and the assistant helped to walk me to the car to go home. during the entire time there, i kept mumbling about something. my mind worked fine but my body felt as if i was just born.

the surgery left me with holes in my gums, so now i will have to take 3 medications, an antibiotic, a narcotic, and a painkiller. additionally, i have a mouth wash that i must use after eating fo i don't get food in the holes. i will have to alternate between the narcotic and painkiller every three hours. including the in middle of the night. hahahahahhahahahahahhahahaah. my head is in immense pain. i was hoping i would be able to finish up my perfume page today, as i had bought a new perfume two days ago, but i think i will have to wait.

12/19/25

08:19

i probably should have skipped today. sigh. i'm so tired. i won't be able to go home after school today either due to the tint appointment.

i don't know if im in a bad mood or something, but i don't want to see anyone over the break. i don't want to listen to anyone talking, i don't want to talk to anyone, i want to be alone.

i have lots of activities i could do, many recipes, patterns, and shows to watch.

12/18/25

11:11

i got an appointment to remove my wisdom teeth over the break. i'm glad i can get this over with now, but i'm a little disappointed that i'll have to spend most of the break in recovery. hopefully it isn't too bad though. if it is, i can just crochet in my bed all day, i'm trying to make a bookmark currently but it's proving to be difficult.

15:01

i was going to skip tommorow because it is a half day, but my friend is coming so i'm not going to. i was able to talk to her for a bit during lunch today, i haven't been able to see here this week due to her being sick and skipping class to run some errands. sigh....i wish i had an afternoon off-period. mine is in the morning.

i recently learned how to add local files to spotify. this has been an absolute game changer. additionally, i use ios so i can sync the music files between my laptop and my phone, so i can listen to them everywhere!!!!! i've added a few songs already, but there going to be a lot more.

12/17/25

08:48

had to do an ai report for my paper and it came back 47% COPY-PASTED AI. NOT EVEN PARAPHRASED. another girl got 64% tho so i;mo okay :)

12/16/25

10:09

stayed up all last night for this presentation i had to deliver this morning. procrastinated as usual. i've noticed that i can't do all nighters like i used too, i get physically ill now and feel like throwing up. the presentation was fine, i stumbled over my words a little bit, but it was whatever. i was just talking to the camera, so i could practice & practice as many times as i wanted. i think i met all the marks though.

one of my friends hasn't been talking to me lately. its making me anxious. i don't know if i did something wrong. she doesn't even look at me. i don't know how to confront her without looking pathetic and desperate for attention. she's talked to everyone else in the class but me. i even asked H if she said anything about me to her, but apparently they also don't talk often. i might be over thinking this though, i also won't talk to people if they don't talk to me, so maybe i'll just have to strike up a convo. i've never actually thought about what its like on the receiving end of isolation. how foolish of me.

11:36

i'll need to start planning christmas gift ideas......idk what to make tho!!!!! i might go the thrift store this weekend and see if i can find any accessories i think my friends will like. i might also make them little crochet pouches or scarves, but i will need yarn for that.

12/15/25

09:34

last week it was really warm, it was in the 70's. now it is back down in the 30's. my dad left for india yesterday to visit his family. he asked if i wanted anything from there and i asked if he could get this kajal. i can't find it the US, and even if i did, it would be $5-$10 (there is one on ebay for $14 and it doesn't even ship to the us!!!!!!!!!!!) instead of $2 (₹179). it is a really good eyeliner and i've been using it since sophomore year. in fact, i'm still using the same stick a year later!!!!

we went on saturday to fix some bubbles in my tint. it's been about a month since we've bought the car, and the bubbles weren't gone. there was a small bubble on the back window, and the salesman said we could leave it or re-tint it. my dad decided it would be best to re-tint it.

12/10/25

11:44

i'm a redundant writer. when i proof read anything, there's always a part where i say the same thing twice in the same sentence.

i haven't been chatty, i'm sorry. my mind is blank. every morning i think, "yes, today i am going to skip school" but i can never bring myself to actually do it. i'm exhausted. winter break is the week after next week. i'll probably be getting my wisdom teeth removed.

this winter break, i actually want to do stuff. i don't even have an excuse for doing nothing this time around. i found a bunch of new baking recipes to try to make, and i have a knitting pattern i'm set on making. i've yet to buy the yarn or hooks, but i live very close to michael's and hobby lobby, in fact hobby lobby is on the way home from my school!!!

12/08/25

08:25

i kind of want to start vlogging, it looks so fun but i don't like showing my face and my life is so uninteresting i think it would pointless to show people it.

12/07/25

18:52

okay i did not meal prep i completely forgot

12/05/25

13:35

three entries in a row at the same time!

i've finished the first half of the road by mccarthy and its been a journey. this is one of the first books i've read by him, so it took a while to adjust to his writing style, especially his lack of punctuation. at first i hated it, but as i've gotten through more of the book, i think it adds a lot to the atmosphere. the rushed pacing matches the fast paced environment of the book, as when you're in the apocalypse, you wouldn't be stopping to admire the scenery. i still don't like how he doesn't use quotation marks, i think those should be added, as i personally find it hard to discern who's talking or not, especially in a paragraph. he doesn't do this too often though, so it's just a little quirk i suppose. i'm reading this for english class book club, and for the first time reading it in class i was behind. but last class yesterday, i was way ahead ahahahahaha.

my friend H also got me a birthday gift. she gave me a super fluffy rabbit plush and a fish(!!!!!) keychain. on her birthday, i kissed her birthday card with red lipstick and she kissed mine too. i lover her so much, she's my best and my closest friend.

i'm going to try to meal prep this weekend for lunch specifically. i don't like when my stomach grumbles in the middle of class, i don't like eating multiple small snacks through the day. i have these chicken caesar wraps that i want to try to make. i might just buy torilla's and stuff them with turkey meat though, but i'll try to make chicken ones.

12/02/25

13:35

it has been really cold lately. i don't really like it. i'm waking up cold in the morning, which causes me to not want to get up. i think it makes me sick too, as this morning i had the most excruciating nausea, thought i'm not sure how to fully describe what i felt. it also might (definitely) be because of dehydration and sleep deprivation. i needed to work on an english assignment but genuinely don't know how she expects us to do this stuff, there's literally no instructions whatsoever, i'm kinda banking on the rest of my class not doing the assignment either, i hope that's the case. otherwise i am done for. i don't know why writing assignments are so difficult for me now. it was hard last year, but my god, i can't even sit here and write for myself without having to zone out halfway through. i was writing a tutorial a few weeks ago and i've scrapped it because i genuinely had no idea what i was doing. 13 yo me would be ashamed. it could be a combination of things, i don't have a very good diet, and i get tired easily. i try to eat healthy, or at the very least eat at home. surprisingly this pisses off my mom, i guess she just doesn't want to do dishes. hopefully when i move out, i'll be able to eat better. i really hate where i'm sitting right now, the same place as yesterday. there are obnoxious boys that are too close to me oh my god you have the whole hall why are you towering over me right now i'm about to scream. all of this because the library doesn't want to open. i hate it here. but apparently this school is top 100 of some best high school ranking. what a joke.

12/01/25

13:35

i spent last week pretty much doing nothing. i couldn't bring myself to do much of anything. i really just sat around on my bed. i couldn't even crochet, i only made a measly bookmark and a frogged multiple projects. i didn't go out with my friends, since they were either busy or out of town for thanksgiving. i did however learn how to make pancakes, so i ate those for 5/7 days of my break for breakfast. i also went to go clothes shopping with my parents, i bought a really pretty brown dress for my birthday, two pairs of jeans, and three tops. it was black friday deal, so it didn't end up being that costly (it was still expensive though eheheh).

when my birthday came around on, i spent it with my family. we had lunch at olive garden where the waiters sang to me because my parents wanted free cake. they pronounced my name wrong, but i'm not mad about it. when i was there, i saw these two really pretty girls. my mom's friend came to my house to give me pink roses and a gift card. after that i took some photos with the dress i had bought a day prior. i took them on my digital camera and my mom's phone. i posed with the flowers my mom's friend had bought me and they turned out really good. my and family then went out for dinner and came home at around 21:30. overall, it was a pretty good day.

as i'm writing this, i'm sitting the same lunch spot i used to sit it as a freshman, in front of the gym door tucked away in a corner (a sign next to me almost fell on my as i was writing this!!!!!). the freshman boys next to me are disgusting and there is a very pretty woman in front of me. it is surprising how i still have the same reactions to the same situations, even from 4 years.

november

11/18/25

08:28

today i was going to skip school since i felt bad last night. i ended up going to school anyway. i just needed to sleep. i haven't been sleeping consistently lately. it is mostly my research class preventing me. i am stuck in a loop of being nervous that the writing isn't good enough, so i procrastinate, and then it does end up poor, further perpetuating this cycle. why is my elective class taking up all my brain power.

i didn't do anything over the weekend besides get my windows tinted. i really like the way the car looks now with tinted windows, it looks very sporty and i love it. i might try to take some more pictures over the weekend. my thanksgiving break coming up. thank god. i need it. it will also be my birthday(!!!!).

i want to try to work with api's more. the weather widget was my first attempt, and it was pretty fun. i wish neocities had a backend so i could utilize api keys without having to make a proxy, but alas.

11/14/25

10:04

this week has been nothing but a pain. i haven't been able to sleep, this is my third all nighter in a row. i'm not even doing anything productive, just scrolling like an asshole. my whole body has been hurting the entire week. on monday, i had the most debilitating back pain of my life in the morning, it was so bad i debated leaving early. it then spread to my abdomen and legs, where it has been lying since.

11/09/25

12:58

new!!!!!!!!!! car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2026 camry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got it last night!!!!!!!!!!

11/05/25

12:23

this weekend was probably one of my busiest weekends yet.

on friday, me, H, A, and H's friends planned to go out trick or treating. i thought we were just going to watch a movie, but apparently i missed something, and we landed on H's friends tagging along. as such, i didn't have a costume, so i decided to do last minute spooky makeup instead. nonetheless, it was fun. we didn't get a lot of candy though, since we left pretty late. our group split up for the rest of the evening, and we went to H's place. one of her other friends were having a party, so we decided to stop there for a minute. i didn't know most of these people, so i mostly talked to A. however, i did meet a mutual friend of ours, W, so i talked to her as well. i tried to make an effort to introduce myself to the other people, but they were busy with each other. they were planning to go to super market, so i rode it our mutual friends car. we went to chipotle instead. i didn't get anything though, since i had eaten before leaving. i ended up coming home around 23:45. i took off my makeup and went to bed.

i had a really good time, it was fun hanging out with my friends and meeting some new ones. however, it was really tiring, since i usually go to bed at around 21-22. i also had a lot of things to do the other day.

on saturday morning, i went to my A's little sister's birthday to help out. i had worked the entire week making her a gift, this crochet cat. it was right at 10, so i left shortly after waking up. in the mall, i came across a woman selling soap in a soap store, at first i was going to walk away, but the woman was really pretty, so i folded and followed her in. she showed me some luxury soaps (which i have no interest in...but whatever) and asked me questions about what kind of scents i like and what i avoid. i told her and she showed me some sample before directing me to the makeup. she sampled on some kind of foundation cream on me, and it blended in perfectly. it was the right shade and it didn't feel like i was wearing anything. i realized that i was spending too much time, so i took my leave. before i left, i told her i'd come back someday and she gave me a card with her name on it and the shade of the cream.

i went to where her birthday party was and gave the gift to her mother. her mom was surprised that i had come. H and A were both there, and H taught the both of us how to make balloon dogs. mine ended up a little messed up, so i had fun with it and made a "ballon hairless rat" and a balloon "mosquito-dog." i helped give out cake and pizza and juice boxes to the birthday girl's friends. we ate the left over pizza, and my friends ate the cake. i couldn't have the cake, so her mom gave me a little cup of ice cream. there were also temporary tattoos meant for the kids, but my friends and i ended up using them. we all got matching woodland creatures on our hands.

later that afternoon, i went to go get a haircut. i ended up going to the wrong place at first, but i found my way before my appointment. i showed my hair dresser what i wanted, and she delivered! she gave me styling tips and a discontinued product that would be good for my hair. my friends had also planned dinner at 17:30, and the appointment ended at 17, so i left quickly.

we had dinner at W's parents' place. it was a seafood restaurant. i had never had seafood before, so i was excited. i was initially going to carpool with my friends, but the haircut took too long so i drove myself. i ended up driving on a road i had never driven on before, reminiscent of a free-way. everyone was driving fast, and it was nerve racking. eventually i made it there and ordered the crab with my friend. i didn't order a whole dish for myself just in case i didn't like it, and i didn't know how long the portion sizes were. i tried it and it was delicious. i ordered snow crab with sausage and shrimp. my friend ended up eating most of it (i regret not ordering more), but it was still really good! i've wanted to try crab for years now, and now that i have, crab is my new favourite food now! i took a nibble of shrimp, but i think i'm allergic to it, so i took a benadryl pill and i was fine. after we finished eating, we went to a boba place down the block. i ordered a mango boba drink, and it was really yummy. i usually don't like boba, but the mango flavour of this one was super strong, so it was delicious. we all called it and evening and i drove back home. it was unfortunately dark and raining, so i could barely see what i was doing. my phone was also on low charge, so i was extremely anxious the entire way home. i also got home pretty late again, and went to bed.

the next few days were a lot more relaxing, and i mostly stayed at home. i had a dmv appointment for renewing my license, but the lady said she couldn't do it. i ended up doing it online, so i'm really confused why she said i had to do it after i turned 18. i also needed to go to the dentist. at my appointment they said i would need to get my wisdom teeth removed. i'm not looking forward to that. i already had an oral surgery before, when i was really young, and it was awful. i will need to get it though, since i have no space in my mouth.

my brother asked me to make him a a dragon, so that's my project for the week. i didn't crochet anything over the weekend, as i felt a little bit empty having finished the cat! there wasn't anything i could look forward to making, so hopefully this dragon changes that. i've yet to find a free pattern i like, so i might have to suck it up and buy one. i have my eyes on one right now, but i will keep scouring. most are annoyingly ai generated, so it has been tough finding real ones.

college acceptances are slowly coming in, haven't received a rejection yet, but that will change soon.

october

10/31/25

13:46

my hair stylist ended up cancelling on me yesterday. her daughter got sick and she had to stay home with her. i've rescheduled to tommorow.

my weekend is very busy. today, i am going to hang out with my friends after school for halloween. tomorrow, i have to go to my friends little sister's birthday party. i've already finished her gift, so i'll need to get a card. later that day, i'll have dinner with another bunch of my friends at one of their parent's restaurant. it will be the first time i try seafood. on monday, i have dentist appointment and a dmv appointment. and finally on tuesday i have to take my school photos.

10/28/25

13:50

desperately trying to write.words just aren't coming out.

i want to bake again. i still have batter. my friends younger sister is having her birthday this saturday. i am making her a small cat plush. might have bitten off more than i can chew. she is turning four, so i must learn to embroider the eyes instead of using safety eyes like i usually do. haircut is in 2 days, haven't looked at any hair styles. more college acceptances, more than i anticipated. too expensive though. library was closed for lunch, now sitting outside in the wind; a leaf hit the back of my head.

10/26/25

07:37

i went volunteering at the shelter with my friend yesterday. i haven't gone in a while, and i had nothing else to do. i'm allergic to cats, so i took allergy medicine, but it didn't help much. we played with the kittens and as i was petting one another one climbed up my back. one also gave me a small scratch. we then visited the older cats, and one got really attached to my friend. he was sleeping in her lap and would hiss if anyone got close to her. there was a new cat who would hiss at everyone, but liked human attention. i felt sorry for her, but also empathized. she reminded me of me when i was younger (and maybe now?), intentionally sabotaging her attempts at friendships.

afterwards, i went to the dollar store to get chenille yarn. i didn't want to go to michaels or hobby lobby and buy a big skein. i bought two small white skein, around 120 ft together. in the checkout, there was a middle aged woman with a cart full of candy. when the cashier with a child-like voice asked her why she was buying all this, the woman said that she was hosting a halloween watch-party for her coworkers.

when i went home, i tried making my mom's old mug cake recipe from 2021(!). my first attempt failed; it was horribly bitter and the bottom was raw baking soda and flour. i went to the store to get new flower and some other stuff, and my second attempt was a bit better. it was still bitter, but i'm assuming it's because of the unsweetened cocoa powder. i didn't put a lot of sugar in because i was afraid of it being too sweet. a similar thing happened when i was making chicken strips during the summer; i didn't put enough seasoning because i was afraid it would be too over powering, but then it ended up bland.

i'm going to try baking again today, i found a cookie recipe. i'm going to give it to my friends on monday. after that, i'll look at hairstyles because i'm getting a haircut after school on thursday. i'm really excited, i'm going to re-do my layers. i'll also have an appointment to color my hair too. i'll get big chunky highlights.

21:19

i made those cookies. they turned out a lot better than i thought they would. it was definitely a "trust the process" sort of thing, but i'm glad i stuck with it. i also went to the library and got a big assignment done. i went back home and finished my computer science homework.

10/24/25

13:33

it always ends up surprising me how much most of my peers look like adults. i remember most of them when they were freshman, and it's really shocking to witness. i sometimes see my old friends' profiles on instagram from elementary/middle school and see how much they have grown. they look older, but i can still pick out their features i remember from when they were young. i once looked at an old class photo of mine and i realized that you don't really lose any child like features. you and the young version have the same eyes, nose, cheeks, and chin (granted you haven't gotten surgery). even they way they talk, there's less slang and more "adult" topics like jobs and relationships. i feel like i still look and talk the same--i feel stunted. my parents always joke about how i look twelve, and i go along with it, but it also makes me a little sad. i look like a clown in makeup and nice clothes, but i look like a little boy without it. "where's the balance!!!!" i cry out into the sky.

10/23/25

13:50

i ended up not doing much yesterday. i got food, but then i went home. i still managed to finish some of my assignments, but it would have been better to have not done them at all. sigh...

10/22/25

12:11

my crochet thread came yesterday. i'm going to try and see if i can make a doily on the weekend. i'm going to go to the library after school today, get food, and work on homework.

10/21/25

13:31

it has been an exhausting half a day. the long break definitely took a toll on my rhythm. i left this morning in a hurry. i know i have to start waking up earlier, but its difficult. waking up is the easy part--i do it all the time--but actually leaving my bed is hard.

15:25

when i first started crocheting, i didn't have any wrist pain. now that i'm doing it so often, i find my wrists hurting a lot more. i'm a tight crocheter, maybe thats why. i should loosen up.

10/20/25

11:43

i pretty much procrastinated this entire weekend. i managed to finish some crochet projects of mine, but not all of them. i didn't go to downtown to my disappointment. i got accepted into one college, though it is not impressive. i was automatically admitted anyways, and it is an okay college at best.

last saturday, my friend came over again. we tried baking a microwave chocolate cake but it ended up really dry. it was an egg-less recipe since i'm allergic to eggs. she said that the flour was the problem, but my mom said that we should have added yogurt. maybe next time i'll try. we then went to a nearby thrift store i hadn't gone to before. she bought a lamb and penguin plush as well as a necklace. i got a weird creature plush and a shirt. afterwards, we went to a car parts store since we both needed washer fluid. she invited me to dinner for sunday with some of her friends. at first i was going to say no, but then i realized that i should probably be expanding my social circle. i doubt i will make friends in college, so i better stock up now.

we had dinner at a fairly new restaurant not 10 minutes away from my house. i ordered chicken wings and they were good. next, we went to a tea shop and i tried matcha for the first time. it was a mango-matcha mix. i did not taste any mango, the match flavor was powerful. it was okay. i don't hate it, but i'm not going to go out of my way to drink it by myself any time soon. when the cashier asked me what type of milk i wanted in my drink, i froze for a minute and said "cow." the cashier burst into laughter and said that that was a cute answer. apparently i was supposed to say "whole milk."

i was an outsider this time around, i didn't know these people. i knew my friend, and then i vaguely knew two other girls. i got to know them some more though, since they were all busy chatting about. they were mostly talking about relationships. i definitely felt like the odd one out, since everybody seemed to have experience with a guy. i've never been in a proper relationship. and i'm also gay, so i stayed quiet for the most part. hearing this conversation made me realize how behind i was compared to everyone else. they new a lot of things, and i just stared at them with a blank look. even so, i still had an overall good time. it was nice talking to new people, they were really sweet and pretty and nice. i also took it as an excuse to wear my new lip tint i bought. the packaging looked brown, but the color on me looked more maroon-ish. nonetheless, it was a very pretty color. i hope we get to hangout again soon.

i used to dream about doing stuff like that when i was a freshman.

10/15/25

10:47

all my college applications are done. i have submitted my scores. now all i do is wait. i have a 5 day weekend coming up. i'm going to see if i can go to downtown with my family or as a solo date. i get to ride the metro for free since i am still a student.

currently, i'm reading frankenstein for school. it is okay so far, but i find the protagonist insufferable. i do love how it is written though, shelley's style of writing is satisfying to read. i want to emulate it myself, but i don't think i can, or know how to.

i've also received the application portals for two of the schools i've applied to. for one, i get the admission result in january. this is really surprising to me since i applied early action, i thought i would get it by december at least! it is not a very large school to, but what can i do. i'm not an admissions reviewer.

for the weekend, i want to make an amigurumi project. a few days ago i bought more yarn, i got a light blue and green, yellow, and grey. i already have safety eyes and noses and stuffing, all i need is a project. i actually did make a small rabbit some weeks ago, but it turned out terrible. it might have been due to the yarn weight being larger than the patter suggested, or it could be that i'm just bad at crocheting. nonetheless, i found another pattern for a rabbit, this time it is larger. but by being larger, it is also more complicated, it involved sewing. i don't know how to sew parts on yet, but i think i can figure it out. just this morning i learned how to surface crochet, and it was shockingly easy!

15:02

my friend joined me for lunch. she has an off period, so she usually leaves, but today she decided to see me! i really like spending time with her. when i told her i was looking at going to downtown on the weekend, she looked interested and said that she would be willing to come. i might take her up on that offer. i don't know exactly what to do in downtown, i'm really just wanting to explore around. it might be the last time i can visit, depending on if i get accepted in any out of state colleges. i've just gotten two more portals since writing in the morning, they are coming in slowly, but surely. i thought it would be faster and automated, but maybe it is done manually and therefore slower. i still have some math work to do, as well as research annotations i've been procrastinating on for...a while.

i'm going to make lily of the valley coasters for each of my friends

10/13/25

10:35

i am incredibly stressed.

14:04

i am looking at more crochet projects.

10/10/25

09:41

today, i will be leaving early from school to go an a road trip with my family. my aunt and uncle have come from canada and will stay with us for a week. i am not excited, my parents told me this yesterday afterschool.

10/06/25

15:00

i will have to write this quickly, my laptop is at 3%.

today i had my computer science project presentation today. i gave up on trying to make the jump work. turns out it was 10x simpler than it initially seemed. almost everyone got it to work correctly but me. anyways, the presentation went fine. my code has a errors where the main character spawn right where the enemy does, resulting in having to keep replaying for a good spawn point. luckily, that didn't happen during the demonstration. my teacher actually gave up a bit of praise. in the code, you can spawn a ladder by left clicking on where you want it. apparently she hadn't seen this before and was surprised by it, calling it "unique." i don't know if that's a good thing or not.

i didn't get much sleep last night. i was really nervous about the presentation today. i woke up at 05:41 feeling like i needed to throw up.

last night i watched the first episode of season three of smiling friends. i really liked it. it's obvious that they got a lot more money. it was a bit jarring, since i'm used to how "cheap" it looked. it had a charming feel to it, but nonetheless i am glad that smiling friends was able to improve their quality. the writing still felt the same, thankfully. when shows get more money, i feel as if they tend to lose themselves in it.

10/05/25

22:58

struggling with procrastination, again. even so i managed to finish all my math homework, it wasn't too difficult, just long.

i got to see my friends again today. we had lunch at a favorite restaurant of mine. they seemed to liked it. we went to ikea afterwards and we all picked up candles. i don't usually light candles since i'm afraid of accidentally burning down my place, but the candle i got smells really good: lovskogslund, it's called. it smells like green apples. i wonder if there is a perfume similar to it...

when me and my friends were in ikea, the two of them were discussing life after high school and in college. i find subjects like that difficult to talk about. i've always had a mindset of "im not living past X age," so thinking about the future is very foreign to me. they expressed a lot of anxiety, but excitement for the future. one of them is like me and wants to study out of state. me and her share a lot of the same feelings about it, specifically how nerve-racking it will be to be so far away from family. she's applying throughout the states. i'm staying more to the east. i'd like to go to new jersey or new york to study. i really doubt anything will come of it though, it will be expensive, and priority will be given to state residents first. realistically, i will probably live here for the rest of my life, however long it may be.

even though i hate thinking about the future, i still feel some sort of pleasure doing it. it will be a next chapter: a chapter of true independence. i can feel myself getting giddy about it, imagining my own place, my own money, my own routine. my life will be structured around me, rather than factors outside of my control. i hope, at least. i will probably look back on these entries and laugh at how naive i was, as i do with most of mine.

i wonder how my friends have turned out the way they have, we've all had similar upbringings, though mine was more privileged. how come my mindset is so much more negative than theirs? i think depression might actually run in my family, since all my cousins have tried to kill themselves at one point on my fathers side, but they've managed to get up. why am i still on my knees? am i trying? do i convince myself i'm on my feet, even though i haven't moved an inch? how pathetic.

i just redesigned my site, but now i want to start using 11ty. i'll play around with it tomorrow.

10/02/25

15:00

today is my mom's birthday! i am going to pick up flowers for her after school in half an hour.

for the past few weeks i've been working on a project for my computer science class. we are supposed to work in groups. today we were supposed to present it, but thankfully, my teacher gave us until next class. now i have an extra three days to work on it. there are still a lot of things i wanted to add to program, like being able to jump; right now, you use a ladder to get up to places.

i was working on math homework before this and my hands hurt, i have a bad habit of writing down really hard.

10/01/25

12:34

for the past few days i've just been sitting on this site, procrastinating on writing it. i stare blankly at the page and i can feel the urge to write, but my body doesn't understand and doesn't follow through.

i think the reason why i don't update often is because i feel the need to write long winded entries like the first one i made. i don't know where this came from, last year and the year before that i was very content with writing short entries frequently, something must have changed between then.

i think it's more to do with the fact that i don't know how to express my thoughts completely yet, as if i'm some sort of child. thinking about what i want to write it much easier than actually sitting down to write it. i've "written" many of these entries within the confines of my head, but i've never brought to typing, let alone writing.

maybe it's laziness. yes, i have gotten a lot lazier as the years have gone one. freshman year i woke up at 4 am everyday diligently and now i can barely wake up at 7. maybe it's because i was lonely. i have many friends now, so i'm not sitting with myself and my thoughts often. in fact, i'm sitting with other peoples thoughts. i barely think about myself and what i'm feeling recently, i've been thinking about my friends more. before seeing them, seeing them, and after seeing them, they are on my mind.

i was going to take the sat this week, but i canceled. it is what it is i guess.

i've been studying fish more. ichthyology is what it is called, the study of fishes. i would like to pursue that, but i haven't taken any biology courses and i wouldn't make any money off of it. i'd also just be writing papers all day, which sounds miserable.

everyday i become more aware of my own mortality. especially when i'm reading about fish. i went down a rabbit hole of extinct fish. as i was reading it, i realized that these fishes are–literally–never coming back. that to me is so mortifying. in this universe, the one i'm alive in, they are gone. completely. it's hard to put into words the dread i feel.

oh, maybe it's because my journal's are public. when i write publicly like this, i feel like i'm presenting a show. i'm turning my feelings into entertainment. bold of me to assume that anyone actually cares about what's going on in my life, though. i like reading other peoples journals,so there must be someone else that cares about what i have to write by chance. there's a lot of people on the internet, someone is bound to stumble upon my site and be at least slightly interested in what i have to say.

september

09/25/25

13:10

yesterday i was right about being exhausted. as soon as i gad gotten home, i practically passed out after eating pasta. i blinked and it was 1:30.

i got to talk with my friends yesterday. i am going to see them over the weekend too.

09/24/25

03:23

i've been frustrated with my site for the past few months now. that's why i didn't update for a while, i hated navigating it. i wanted to impress myself and add a bunch of features, but it backfired and made it over complicated. i've now refined my site into a much simpler layout, with everything on one page. this will be much better. i'm happier with this new look.i had to re-evaluate why i made this site. i wanted to make a public journal, so the new layout had to be focused on that. not much has been going on in my life. that's a lie, a lot has happened. but i'm far too tired to go into it right now. it feels like everything and nothing has changed. my surrounding world and connections have changed, but my internal conflicts and emotional state hasn't. i still have the same internal monologue from 7 years ago, but i'm in a different place. its really depressing. i've experienced so much and yet i'm still the same.

i feel like i've wasted the past 4 years. my ranking is too low to get accepted in a good college, even though my grades are good. i worked hard for nothing. just because i didn't take ap's i get screwed over and put with b-c students even though i'm an a-b student. its not over though, i can go to community college, but i feel as if i will be ridiculed. i talked with my parents about it, and they said if i don't get into to any i can go. but i still feel disappointed. all my friends will go to college immediately, whilst i will be behind living with my parents at home still. there are apparently a lot of benefits to CC before a 4 year. firstly, it saves a lot of money. secondly, if you end up hating your major, you can switch without wasting a lot of money. third, when transferring, your high school career is practically voided. universities will only be looking at your 2 years at college (there are some exceptions to this, apparently). but even with these benefits, there is still the stigma. the stigma that i wasn't smart enough--wasn't good enough. i'm still going to apply 4 years, just to see. but i will ask my friends if they think i should still do it. they are smart; smarter than me, so i trust them.

due to this disappointing revelation, i don't have a "dream university." i hear all my peers going, "oh i hope i go here" and "i'm totally going to get accepted here" and it is upsetting. though i cannot blame them, even though my weighted gpa is bad, my unweighted is okay. my sat and act scores are okay too. i have 4's in the ap's that i took. i also have the cc route, if i can deal with the shame. that's my problem. i am not extraordinary, i am ordinary. i am average. average for everything for as long as i have been in school. meets, meets, meets, a-/a, 50th percentile. never extends, a+, or 90th percentile. no one wants average, they want above average. i'm procrastinating on my research assignment by writing this. 10 annotated bibliographies. it is due in less than 5 hours. i am going to be tired all day today. i don't know why i do this to myself.